Coconut/Almond/White Chocolate/Whatever Bullshit Cookies

So hey man, I make snacks. Really decadent ones. People seem to like them, and I’m gonna tell you how to make them. These seemed to be really popular, this tall girl I have a huge crush on told me they were the best cookies she’s ever had, so you know, that’s high praise if ya ask me. In my recipe book they’re jotted down as “shit load of those coconut/almond/white chocolate/whatever bullshit cookies”. This recipe makes about 40. So I mean keep that in mind. I’m also a potty mouth, sorry.

These are, well, I mean, they’re what the title says. I put them on a stick. You don’t have to. I chose to. I like putting things on sticks. It makes them easier to dip in chocolate. Speaking of, I also covered them in white chocolate and drizzled milk chocolate on top. You don’t have to, but if you want to impress someone you like it really makes the difference. Let’s look at all the crap we need to make this. I work in metric. I don’t offer conversions. Use metric.

40 CAWCWBSC. That’s a lot of cookies.
Time Needed: Patience.
Fridge space: Rearrange it.
Surface space needed: You’re gonna need a lot.

Wet Bowl

Butter – 454g
Sugar – 600g
4 eggs
Vanilla extract – “12g” (you always add more and know it)

Dry bowl

Flour – 564g
Baking powder – 30g
Salt – 12g

Bonus parts

White Chocolate – 2kg
Milk chocolate – 700g
Shortening – 300g, maybe more, maybe less.
Sweetened coconut flakes – 250g
Almonds – 180g

So step one, we’re gonna take our butter and soften it. I mean I just throw it in the pan, let it get a bit melty, take it off heat, stir it up so it’s fairly evenly distributed. Do other stuff while it cools a bit, then it’s fine to use. While we wait for that, let’s put together our dry bowl. Just mix together the dry ingredients in your bowl, sifting the flour is always a good idea. If you have a stand mixer, that’s also pretty cool. Just mix the dry ingredients together. Stand mixer is good, sifting is a good idea, can do it with a whisk and a bowl. A big ass bowl if you’re doing 40. If you’re not doing 40, adjust the ratios accordingly.

So if you set aside the butter like I did, cool. If not, just let it get soft. After which, mix it well with the rest of the wet ingredients. Big bowl, might have to split it up into multiple batches if you’re doing for 40. After it’s all mixed up, combine the wet and dry bowls into an even bigger bowl. Get ready for a lot of mixing. Do it in batches if your stand mixer bowl isn’t big enough for all of it at once. Once the cookie dough is all mixed up, toss in your coconut and almonds. I got slivered almonds and crunched them up a bit more.

After that, I took 40g balls (haha balls), which made *giant* cookies, but that was the plan. I put the stick about 2/3 in through the center, and about 1/3 up from the bottom. Did some test batches and this seemed to be the best ratio. Good ol’ 170c at 11-14 minutes. Your mileage may vary, do a test run. 170 on my oven might be different than 170 on your oven. If you have an oven that doesn’t work in sensible units, that’s about 340. I put them on parchment paper and rotated out baking sheets. When they came out the oven, I slid the parchment paper off onto the counter from the sheet, then I’d take out a sheet of pre-made and pre-sticked cookie dough balls cooling in the fridge, put the hot one in the fridge, and put the raw batch in the oven. I’d wait a minute, take the hot-now-cool baking sheet out of the oven, load it with more dough, and I’d get ready to repeat the process. With the sticks in the cookies and how big they are I could only space five on a half pan sheet. Get ready for a lot of rinse and repeat!

Since we’re going to be covering these in chocolate, you’re gonna want to let them cool. I toss ’em straight into the freezer, it’s quicker, and gets them cooler. However the cooler temperature of cookies in the freezer will make the chocolate harden more quickly, so if you’re not comfortable working fast, consider a fridge cool-down.

For our melting chocolate, setup a double boiler or get one of those chocolate melters. Wilton sells a cheap one that works, but they take some time. I need to get a picture of this double boiler method so I can stop describing it. Get a sautee pan that fits neatly on top of a pot, fill the pot about 15-20% with water, let it get to a boil, then dial it back. Melt the shortening in the sautee pan, then add the chocolate. My general rule of thumb for making chocolate dressings is 10% shortening by volume. So if you’re melting up 500g of chocolate, add 50g of shortening. If it seems too thick, add more shortening, too thin, add more chocolate.

Before you start, make sure you have your system up! Really prepare for this, precut your parchment papers, go to the thrift store and buy as many baking sheets as you’ll need. Clear counter space and get ready to work. Melt your white chocolate for the coating layer. For the white chocolate I set up a double boiler with a shallow sautee pan. This allowed me to angle the cookies into sautee pan and use a spoon to drip it on the top, flip it over, and give a less generous coating for the bottom since that’s the side it’ll be drying on. This is one of  the reasons I put them on a stick, I know it’d make this much easier! But do be careful as once the cookie gets covered in chocolate, it’s rather heavy and can break quite easily. Once the chocolate cools, it seems to help reinforce, but when it’s still drippy, be careful!

Setup! Remember your setup. You’re going to be taking the uncoated cookie, coating it, putting in on a baking sheet with parchment paper, and repeating that a lot. During this you need to keep your chocolate stirred and keep an eye on it. This will also be messy. Be prepared for a lot of clean up.

After you’re done with the white chocolate part, let ’em cool, they’re going in the fridge or freezer again. For the milk chocolate drizzle, same recipe, same method of melting. To get that fancy pattern on them all I did was stick a fork in the chocolate, hold it between my index finger and thumb and twisted my wrist to let it splatter on the cookies on parchment papers. Before you start splattering, dip the fork in, and watch how it drips off. From this gauge what amount of “drip” would be the best to start drizzling out over the chocolate. If you’re doing all 40, repeat this a lot, let them cool, and you’ll be done.

If you followed all of these directions, congratulations. That took a while. I hope it impresses someone you like.

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